Turkish Delight

I have a confectionery project,
And I'm going to start it tonight -
As quiet as a mouse,
I'm building a house
Made entirely of Turkish Delight..
With delectable rose-tinted windows,
On a chocolate-dipped chaise longue I'll linger..
by a table top-sized block of perfumed deliciousness,
breaking off bits with my fingers...
It's become an abiding addiction
And I never can get quite enough:
My freezer is stocked
With humungous blocks
of the wonderful chocolatey stuff..
So I'll lay the foundations this evening,
If I don't eat it all with a spoon,
And my house will have stairs
Made of chocolate eclairs,
Reaching right up to the moon.
Then I'll curl myself up for the Winter
While the blizzards pile snow all about
In a rose-scented dream I'll be lost to the world
As I gradually eat my way out...

Toaster by Avios

I'm going to try
And get it to fly
Right out of my door like a ghost:
To see it go sailing
Through Manhattan skies,
And making a hobo some toast..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fjLePcemJJI

How I Wish All The Pigeons Would Die..

You're a monstrous and cretinous
Rat of the skies
With a brain that's the size of a pea...
You clutter and clatter
And rustle and natter
annoying the hell out of me...
It's such repetitious behaviour,
You do it again and again
Like slaves to viagra :
I'm fed up of watching you
Getting it on through the panes..
You peck all the plants in my garden
And can't walk without moving your head
And if I had my way
(And I will do one day)
I'd gladly see all of you dead.

Starship Centrebus

Centrebus are on a mission
Cosmonauts should know:
They'll boldly take you anywhere
You just don't want to go.

No ticket to Utopia,
No giddy cosmic freedom:
Instead you'll trudge to Bradford
Via Huby, Pool and Yeadon.

737

Inspired by the f*ckwitted 737 drivers from Centrebus who try and break my bones every morning on the pot-hole-pitted yokel superhighway to Shipley. God damn you all....

NB: The Boeing 737 is a short- to medium-range twin-engine narrow-body jet airliner.
The 737 Harrogate - Bradford bus service is a suspensionless, skeleton-shredding death-trap.

You've failed your mission,
I regret:
Not ALL my bones
are broken yet..
Your mind dictated by your map,
You're like a greyhound from a trap -
My nervous system's
Shot to hell,
As you wring those gears
Like Christmas bells,
Hurtling through
The summer twilight
Like a Kamikazi Pilot.
The steering wheel
You wrench and twist
To hit each pothole
On your list -
As I vainly try to reach the door,
My handbag shoots across the floor
As you slam down hard upon the brake
As though you're trying to kill a snake
Just as the lights are turning red -
My teeth are rattling in my head.
As I try to realign my jaw
We're clocking 90 miles or more,
And as the lights are turning green,
You hit up more amphetamine -
And cackle wildly, mad with glee
As we reach escape velocity.
To hell and back
is where we're going.
It's a god-damned BUS
It's NOT a Boeing...
:

The Elephant

There's an elephant in the corner of the room
If you squint you'll make his trunk out in the gloom
He's made of all the things we always really meant to say
And until we get around to it, he'll never go away
You know I really like you and I think you like me too
So if you're in agreement here is something we can do
Let's forget about the sad times and the hurtful things we said
And welcome in the happy stuff that make us smile instead
Then we'll go and get the elephant and stand him on a ball
And we'll buy him some bananas as we roll him down the hall.

Foxes on a Trampoline

The funniest thing I’ve ever seen

Is foxes on a trampoline..

Baffled, they out-bounce each other

Snapping sister, brindled brother...

Wary firstly, then with grace

See them launching into space

Barking, biting, twisting round

Several inches off the ground..

How fine to jump! What joy to be

No longer slaves to gravity...

Fox acrobatics to the letter:

Grass is good- but rubber’s better.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wa-K_2pt0rM

Breaking News....

I understand a new food scandal has just erupted, with traces of Quiscalus mexicanus being found in packets of the popular breakfast cereal Snap, Grackle and Pop.

Occupational Hazards

"Worked in a restaurant, but they were cooking the books..."

A Murder of Crows

A Murder of Crows
is every bit

as dark

as it suggests,

Their wicked plotting

spotted

in a clotted

knot

of nests...



With Thanks to Moth Clark for his wonderful photo



Todays' Words

I love it when you leave me
But I hate it when you go
And even when my eyes are shut
I still see falling snow

Schrodinger Says...

A cat placed a Quantum Mechanics scientist in a sealed chamber with a flask of poison, and a radioactive source. If an internal monitor detects radioactivity (i.e. a single atom decaying), the flask is shattered, releasing the poison that kills the scientist. The Copenhagen interpretation of quantum mechanics implies that after a while, the scientist is simultaneously alive and dead. Yet, when one looks in the box, one sees the scientist either alive or dead, not both alive and dead. This poses the question of when exactly quantum superposition ends and reality collapses into one possibility or the other. Meanwhile, the cat has found a ball of string...

 

Today's Poem: The Ghost That Walks Behind Me

You are the ghost that walks behind me
The memory that always finds me
Footsteps on the breeze

All the things that came to pass
The sunlight on the frozen grass
The shadows in the trees

All the words we never shared
All the things we never dared
All the hurt and need

All the love and all the pain
All the years of sun and rain
All the time that's gone

The hours echo down the days
An endless parting of the ways
But still you linger on

Today's favourite word is...

"Natterjack"

Today's Poem : There's always some Tw*t in a T-Shirt...

There's always some Tw*t in a T-Shirt
There's always a cause that is lost:
In every town on a Saturday Night,
Braving the Permafrost...

There's always some Tw*t in a T-Shirt
Convinced he's a magnet for chicks,
Battered on Tennants and stuffed with Kebabs
Weaving about, being sick....

There's always some Tw*t in a T-Shirt
With a drunken and cretinous crew,
Reeling about with it all hanging out,
And they'll  ALL get a cab before YOU...

Occupational Hazards

"Worked as a Bailiff, but I couldn't make it pay...."

Today's Poem: Fill My In Tray, Baby (Blues Analogy #1)

Fill my In Tray, Baby,
Fill my In Tray all night long:
Fill it till it overflows,
Fill it good and strong...

Deliver me your Action Plan
As far as you are able,
Handle my objections -
And let's get them on the table..

Cascade your information
Till my system cannot cope,
Then slide your urgent document
Into my envelope..

Today's Poem : Crystal Balls

I rang up a telephone psychic
To see if my lover was true -
And after a bit of a pause and a sigh,
She confessed she was dating him too...

Today's Words: Some Day

Some day
In another world
We'll meet again,
And we'll run together
Through the cold Spring grass
Like young hares..

Occupational Hazards

Worked as a gardener, but there was no fuschia in it...

Today's Poem : Tocata and Fugue

In my shed is a Wurlitzer Organ
(You can thrash it much more than a Moog)
And I rock the allotments up every weekend,
Playing Bach's "Tocata & Fugue..."

Occupational Hazards

Worked as an executioner, but I couldn't get the hang of it...

"We're sorry, but...

...we were unable to complete your request. When reporting this error to Blogger Support or on the Blogger Help Group, please describe what you were doing when you got this error.

Ha ha - not bloody likely!

Breaking news....

Womble DNA has been found in a consignment of ready meals traced to Bulgaria..

Today's favourite word is....

"Whirligig".

Today's favourite word is..

"Marsupial".

Today's Poem : Psychedelia Smith

She's mixing up the Mescaline
For culinary witching..
And plating up Peyote
In her psychotropic kitchen:
A mind-expanding Masterchef,
A legend and a myth...
Be sure to make your OWN packed lunch -
It's Psychedelia Smith!

Today's Poem: The Most Dangerous Allotment In The World...

I saw something this morning
and it quite took me aback :
It was a plastic watering can
Upon a railway track...

And as I sat and pondered
A strange idea unfurled :
Could this be
The Most Dangerous
Allotment in the World?

You'd have to be an acrobat
To tend the things that grew,
To avoid the 7.30 train
That's hurtling through to Crewe..

Your beans would grow up ready-baked
By roiling plumes of steam
That belch out from the Scarborough train
Around 18.15..

The gnomes are looking terrified,
Your spuds are getting mashed,
Your lovely wigwam of sweet peas
Is always getting trashed..

And just as you are dreaming of
a lush pastoral scene,
It's time to run away
because the lights are turning green...

The soil is too impoverished
For plants to grow and thrive..
And though Englishmen love gardening,
How do you stay alive?

 

Today's Poem : Your dog can die..

Make sure your pet is safe and well :
The danger is a real one..
Your dog can die in a car that's hot -

So DO try not to steal one...

Today's Poem : I've been away

I've been away, she said, I've been away,
Away down the river and out to the sea
where there are no horizons and I can be free
I've been away, she said, I've been away..

Away from the noise and commotion and jokes
That scramble the senses of sensitive folks
I've been away, she said, I've been away...

Where a rainbow of fireworks blazed through the sky
And my heart felt so full that I dreamt I could fly
I've been away, she said, I've been away...
Where the brilliant stars cast a million lights
On the frost on your window on dark winter nights
I've been away, she said, I've been away...

Where the blackbirds in treetops are starting to sing
With the secret unfurling of gardens in Spring
I've been away, she said, I've been away..

Where the sound of a jet plane, impossibly high
Drones through the haze of a hot summer sky
I've been away, she said, I've been away...

Where the first light of dawning arises to play,
Blown by the winds on the cusp of the day
I've been away, she said, I've been away...

Where memory meets in a circle with time
And peace and eternity whisper a rhyme
I've been away, she said, I've been away..
I've been away, she said..
Should I stay?

Today's Poem : The Secret Lives of Gloomy Writers

Alexander Solzhenitsyn
sure knew how to get the beats in!
He liked Hip Hop, he liked Soul,
And stayed up late
to Rock' n' Roll.

Jean Paul Sartre, Franzis Kafka
Stagger through the morning after:
When other people crash and yawn,
They'll party on until the dawn..

When Sylvia Plath's behind the mike,
You can shake your booty all you like,
Then just 'round midnight
 Old Ted Hughes
 Will melt the soles of your blue suede shoes...

It's the secret lives of Gloomy Writers
Come on down and wave your lighters!

Today's Poem #3: The Green Man

Under a hazy, petrol sky,
A train goes rumbling
through the jungle of July...
The bored commuter dreams;
believes
She glimpsed a green face,
ringed with leaves...











'He quietly sits under every tree' painting by Jane Tomlinson, reproduced with permission. http://www.janetomlinson.com

Today's Poem #2 : The Alan Whicker Man

A gap year seems so tempting,

Spending time befriending strangers -
But getting lost in foreign lands
Has many hidden dangers..

Not everyone likes backpackers,
And young and noisy tourists
May find that they are preyed upon  
By an old religious purist...

He'll tempt you in with guidebooks,
Filled with pictures of Japan -
He's the travelling pagan death-machine, 
The Alan Whicker Man..

Today's Poem : The New Stonehenge

 

A long-lost mystic ley-line spawned
A miracle of birth...
An enigmatic structure rose
From deep within the earth...

It seemed to happen overnight
While planes flew overhead,
It's no new retail outlet, though...
It's something else instead..

Perhaps it meets an ancient need -
A kind of cure, no less?
In a dismal hub of commerce
Filled with travellers stuffed with stress..

"The cost of living is too high,
My plane has been delayed...
I long to link with moon and stars
In a sunlight-dappled glade...

To dump my briefcase by the road
And leave my phone behind...
And dance around with nothing on
And liberate my mind...

To join a long-lost pagan tribe...
Escape these dull commuters...
Delete these wretched spreadsheets
And set fire to my computer....!"

While cynics may declare the site
A modernist revenge,
True Druids flock from miles around -
"Behold....The New Stonehenge! "


















(with sincere thanks to the developers at Leeds Bradford Airport for building...whatever THIS is....)


 

Today's Poem : When Emily's in Da House...

You may be sleeping peacefully
And quiet as a mouse
But you'll get a rude awakening
When Emily's in Da House..
You're dreaming dreams of silent bliss
Away from daily cares
When suddenly the Light Brigade
Come charging up the stairs..
Your synapses will shatter
And your eardrums they will pop
You'll wonder if the booming bass
Is ever going to stop..
The floorboards they start creaking
Like an old ship in a gale
As you jam your knuckles in your ears
Until they start to pale..
The windows tense to breaking point
They've frightened off the cat..
There must be 50,000 people
raving in that flat..
Perhaps a herd of buffalo
Has snuck in there as well..
Or lost souls beating kettle drums
from the very depths of hell?
I like to think I'm tolerant
I do not like to grouse
But sanity's a fleeting ghost
When Emily's in Da House..
I have to put a stop to this
I'm going to get my way
By bringing in a marching band
Around about mid-day..
 

 

Today's poem: Massive spider in my bath

Massive spider in my bath,
You've been in there all day..
I can't get in,
You can't get out,
I wish you'd go away!

Today's Poem : Pimp My Slide

I'm running out of bright ideas
I need an expert view
My fair lacks sparkle and pizzazz
I don't know what to do
To tempt the jaded teenagers
To come and try a ride
So please, I'm begging of you
Won't you come and
Pimp my Slide?

Can you make it wild and wacky
Could you make it fast and loud?
With lots of mirrors, lights and bells
To do my funfair proud?
And if it's not too much for you
It might add to the thrills
If a moat of snapping crocodiles
Could give the punters chills..

Maybe a daring loop-the-loop
could reach up to the stars...
And offer stunning close-up views
Of Jupiter and Mars?
And whilst we're on the subject
It would help to fill my pockets
To have a fireworks display
That features REAL rockets..

I need some brilliant new ideas
To coax the folks inside..
So I'm pleading with you earnestly -
Please come and Pimp my Slide! 

All about my dad

All about my dad: a poem for father's day

Here's a poem for Father's Day
That's all about my Dad,
Who shares the special times with me
The happy and the sad..
A kind and quiet and gentle chap,
With a warm and loving smile,
Who knows that people matter most
And goes the extra mile..
Whenever times are difficult
And people are demanding,
You're always there to lend a hand
With love and understanding..
You love to nurture tiny plants
And sometime beg my pardon
For giving me so many things
To plant out in my garden!
But you've shared a little secret
That is sent from heaven above -
That the way to make your cuttings grow
Is shower them with love..
And you know that people come and go
And everything must pass..
But a world that's built on love and care
Is one that's built to last!
So I have a special little wish
I'd love to see come true
And that's to be the kind of Dad
That's half as good as you!