Occupational Hazards

Worked as an executioner, but I couldn't get the hang of it...

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Ha ha - not bloody likely!

Breaking news....

Womble DNA has been found in a consignment of ready meals traced to Bulgaria..

Today's favourite word is....

"Whirligig".

Today's favourite word is..

"Marsupial".

Today's Poem : Psychedelia Smith

She's mixing up the Mescaline
For culinary witching..
And plating up Peyote
In her psychotropic kitchen:
A mind-expanding Masterchef,
A legend and a myth...
Be sure to make your OWN packed lunch -
It's Psychedelia Smith!

Today's Poem: The Most Dangerous Allotment In The World...

I saw something this morning
and it quite took me aback :
It was a plastic watering can
Upon a railway track...

And as I sat and pondered
A strange idea unfurled :
Could this be
The Most Dangerous
Allotment in the World?

You'd have to be an acrobat
To tend the things that grew,
To avoid the 7.30 train
That's hurtling through to Crewe..

Your beans would grow up ready-baked
By roiling plumes of steam
That belch out from the Scarborough train
Around 18.15..

The gnomes are looking terrified,
Your spuds are getting mashed,
Your lovely wigwam of sweet peas
Is always getting trashed..

And just as you are dreaming of
a lush pastoral scene,
It's time to run away
because the lights are turning green...

The soil is too impoverished
For plants to grow and thrive..
And though Englishmen love gardening,
How do you stay alive?

 

Today's Poem : Your dog can die..

Make sure your pet is safe and well :
The danger is a real one..
Your dog can die in a car that's hot -

So DO try not to steal one...

Today's Poem : I've been away

I've been away, she said, I've been away,
Away down the river and out to the sea
where there are no horizons and I can be free
I've been away, she said, I've been away..

Away from the noise and commotion and jokes
That scramble the senses of sensitive folks
I've been away, she said, I've been away...

Where a rainbow of fireworks blazed through the sky
And my heart felt so full that I dreamt I could fly
I've been away, she said, I've been away...
Where the brilliant stars cast a million lights
On the frost on your window on dark winter nights
I've been away, she said, I've been away...

Where the blackbirds in treetops are starting to sing
With the secret unfurling of gardens in Spring
I've been away, she said, I've been away..

Where the sound of a jet plane, impossibly high
Drones through the haze of a hot summer sky
I've been away, she said, I've been away...

Where the first light of dawning arises to play,
Blown by the winds on the cusp of the day
I've been away, she said, I've been away...

Where memory meets in a circle with time
And peace and eternity whisper a rhyme
I've been away, she said, I've been away..
I've been away, she said..
Should I stay?

Today's Poem : The Secret Lives of Gloomy Writers

Alexander Solzhenitsyn
sure knew how to get the beats in!
He liked Hip Hop, he liked Soul,
And stayed up late
to Rock' n' Roll.

Jean Paul Sartre, Franzis Kafka
Stagger through the morning after:
When other people crash and yawn,
They'll party on until the dawn..

When Sylvia Plath's behind the mike,
You can shake your booty all you like,
Then just 'round midnight
 Old Ted Hughes
 Will melt the soles of your blue suede shoes...

It's the secret lives of Gloomy Writers
Come on down and wave your lighters!

Today's Poem #3: The Green Man

Under a hazy, petrol sky,
A train goes rumbling
through the jungle of July...
The bored commuter dreams;
believes
She glimpsed a green face,
ringed with leaves...











'He quietly sits under every tree' painting by Jane Tomlinson, reproduced with permission. http://www.janetomlinson.com

Today's Poem #2 : The Alan Whicker Man

A gap year seems so tempting,

Spending time befriending strangers -
But getting lost in foreign lands
Has many hidden dangers..

Not everyone likes backpackers,
And young and noisy tourists
May find that they are preyed upon  
By an old religious purist...

He'll tempt you in with guidebooks,
Filled with pictures of Japan -
He's the travelling pagan death-machine, 
The Alan Whicker Man..

Today's Poem : The New Stonehenge

 

A long-lost mystic ley-line spawned
A miracle of birth...
An enigmatic structure rose
From deep within the earth...

It seemed to happen overnight
While planes flew overhead,
It's no new retail outlet, though...
It's something else instead..

Perhaps it meets an ancient need -
A kind of cure, no less?
In a dismal hub of commerce
Filled with travellers stuffed with stress..

"The cost of living is too high,
My plane has been delayed...
I long to link with moon and stars
In a sunlight-dappled glade...

To dump my briefcase by the road
And leave my phone behind...
And dance around with nothing on
And liberate my mind...

To join a long-lost pagan tribe...
Escape these dull commuters...
Delete these wretched spreadsheets
And set fire to my computer....!"

While cynics may declare the site
A modernist revenge,
True Druids flock from miles around -
"Behold....The New Stonehenge! "


















(with sincere thanks to the developers at Leeds Bradford Airport for building...whatever THIS is....)


 

Today's Poem : When Emily's in Da House...

You may be sleeping peacefully
And quiet as a mouse
But you'll get a rude awakening
When Emily's in Da House..
You're dreaming dreams of silent bliss
Away from daily cares
When suddenly the Light Brigade
Come charging up the stairs..
Your synapses will shatter
And your eardrums they will pop
You'll wonder if the booming bass
Is ever going to stop..
The floorboards they start creaking
Like an old ship in a gale
As you jam your knuckles in your ears
Until they start to pale..
The windows tense to breaking point
They've frightened off the cat..
There must be 50,000 people
raving in that flat..
Perhaps a herd of buffalo
Has snuck in there as well..
Or lost souls beating kettle drums
from the very depths of hell?
I like to think I'm tolerant
I do not like to grouse
But sanity's a fleeting ghost
When Emily's in Da House..
I have to put a stop to this
I'm going to get my way
By bringing in a marching band
Around about mid-day..
 

 

Today's poem: Massive spider in my bath

Massive spider in my bath,
You've been in there all day..
I can't get in,
You can't get out,
I wish you'd go away!

Today's Poem : Pimp My Slide

I'm running out of bright ideas
I need an expert view
My fair lacks sparkle and pizzazz
I don't know what to do
To tempt the jaded teenagers
To come and try a ride
So please, I'm begging of you
Won't you come and
Pimp my Slide?

Can you make it wild and wacky
Could you make it fast and loud?
With lots of mirrors, lights and bells
To do my funfair proud?
And if it's not too much for you
It might add to the thrills
If a moat of snapping crocodiles
Could give the punters chills..

Maybe a daring loop-the-loop
could reach up to the stars...
And offer stunning close-up views
Of Jupiter and Mars?
And whilst we're on the subject
It would help to fill my pockets
To have a fireworks display
That features REAL rockets..

I need some brilliant new ideas
To coax the folks inside..
So I'm pleading with you earnestly -
Please come and Pimp my Slide! 

All about my dad

All about my dad: a poem for father's day

Here's a poem for Father's Day
That's all about my Dad,
Who shares the special times with me
The happy and the sad..
A kind and quiet and gentle chap,
With a warm and loving smile,
Who knows that people matter most
And goes the extra mile..
Whenever times are difficult
And people are demanding,
You're always there to lend a hand
With love and understanding..
You love to nurture tiny plants
And sometime beg my pardon
For giving me so many things
To plant out in my garden!
But you've shared a little secret
That is sent from heaven above -
That the way to make your cuttings grow
Is shower them with love..
And you know that people come and go
And everything must pass..
But a world that's built on love and care
Is one that's built to last!
So I have a special little wish
I'd love to see come true
And that's to be the kind of Dad
That's half as good as you!